effluvium mobility screenshots hate obscura shell ligature dissonance

08/11/03-10:09:45 AM Monday -- print stat
sad times, and rainbow bridges...maybe life is worth living after all.

08/05/03-07:46:15 PM Tuesday -- counting down final solutions
holes and memories. i have a hole in one of my teeth. when i move my jaw in a certain way, or explore the hole with my tongue, i get shooting pains through my head. i have a hole in my life, sometimes I think my life is nothing but holes. Whenever I think about them, it sends shooting pains through my life, and I want to die. I can go to a dentist and he'll pull the tooth with the hole in it. The holes in my life are what my life is made of, they are my memories, and the only way to excise them is with a bullet. It seems like other people heal with time, forgive with time, change with time, forget with time. I don't. I seem to be stuck here with my holes, memories and holes.

07/31/03-01:45:36 PM Thursday -- snip snip snip
from jwz


07/30/03-08:32:55 PM Wednesday -- slip sliding away
a fence, some walls, a building, a castle, another wall, some cameras (yes, they ARE watching you) and a supermarket. any questions?



07/28/03-12:02:34 PM Monday -- auntie em, auntie em, auntie me
life. changes are coming soon, scary changes. after ceit gets back from pennsic i'm going to start looking for a new house. I'm sorta thinking about getting a place in downtown Silver Spring or somewhere in DC instead of staying in the suburbs...but i'm afraid of the changes. Things can always get worse. and they will.

07/25/03-10:05:33 PM Friday -- melting bullets in agony



07/23/03-10:04:38 AM Wednesday -- plop plop, fizz fizz
procmail + perl + evil = moblog. Over the weekend I got a camera phone, so I wrote some perl goop so that I can take a picture and mail it to my website and the webpage will automatically update itself with the picture and the caption. whee. picture quality is pretty awful, especially in low light, and I should probably do something to shrink down the larger images but it all works for now...of course, now I have to go out and take pictures...

07/18/03-09:21:54 PM Friday -- touching the rocks and flying
i will never be a writer, an artist, a musician, a programmer; i will never be an athlete, a monk, a dancer, a mechanic; i will never learn how to talk to people, meet strangers, make friends; i will never have a happy childhood, another chance to make the connections that i missed, another chance with friends i have lost. i will never be, i will never learn, i will never have.

07/18/03-02:35:14 PM Friday -- finding and breaking
had my first acupuncture appointment today. it was interesting. i've felt rather spacy for the rest of the day, so we'll see how it goes from here.

07/15/03-08:29:15 PM Tuesday -- pole position
some pictures of telephone poles and stuff



...and a couple of pictures of Sandy Spring Friends School, where I went to high school/worked etc...


07/13/03-07:09:27 PM Sunday -- teenage girl
sigh. more song lyrics.

nothing can be obtained by grasping at the wind.
there is no escape from the dualism of life. vanity of
vanities. i am embittered toward humanity for its failures
yet i possess all of these same shortcomings

there is grief in wisdom, there is sorrow in truth
yet, the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.
and by a sad countenance the heart is made stronger in time
so, i embrace this burden and weep for the fools that
chase
the wind.
--hopesfall, open hands to the wind

07/12/03-10:10:32 PM Saturday -- various artists
updated the list of ripped cds. think I've got most of the easily accessible cds ripped, now to find all the ones that are stuck in boxes and such...

07/12/03-07:20:10 PM Saturday -- rock'n roll could never hip hop like this




07/10/03-09:43:45 PM Thursday -- sniffle like you mean it
back to ripping cds...my list from before tonight is here. Sooo many more to rip...

07/09/03-09:30:53 PM Wednesday -- incredible inedible egg
"But suppose you passed up the Opportunity because you felt it was inadequate?"
--Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum

07/08/03-08:49:14 PM Tuesday -- live for now
more pictures. lessee...





that was so painful, i've really got to write something to deal with camera pictures soon.

07/08/03-01:48:49 PM Tuesday -- foo
adding permalink kinda thingies to newsposts. Whee. i really need to rewrite this stuff.

07/03/03-03:04:01 PM Thursday -- bar
Cuniculus parvus Foo-Foo, currens per silvam,
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum,
Descendit nympha bona et dicit,
"Cunicule parve Foo-Foo, non desidero te videre
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum.
Donabo tibi occasiones tres plus, et nisi probus est,
Mutabo te in GOON!"

Cuniculus parvus Foo-Foo, currens per silvam,
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum,
Descendit nympha bona et dicit,
"Cunicule parve Foo-Foo, non desidero te videre
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum.
Donabo tibi occasiones duo plus, et nisi probus est,
Mutabo te in GOON!"

Cuniculus parvus Foo-Foo, currens per silvam,
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum,
Descendit nympha bona et dicit,
"Cunicule parve Foo-Foo, non desidero te videre
Colligens mures rustici, feriens capita eorum.
Donabo tibi occasiones alterem, et nisi probus est,
Mutabo te in monstrum!"

Donavi tibi occasiones tres totae, et non probus fuisti,
Ergo mutabo te in GOON! POOF!"

Aculeus: lepus hodie, goon crastinus.

--translated by mom & george cardona

07/03/03-12:52:58 PM Thursday -- worms
echoes of incense, a pilgrimage in japan

07/02/03-10:05:47 AM Wednesday -- the filthy monkey, it spreads
ufo!


ok, so it's just a blimp

07/01/03-02:43:30 PM Tuesday -- rubbery monkey death
things suck but the effexor seems to be keeping my mood fairly stable. unfortunately i seem to have found some sort of hope for the future, which is probably a bad thing, since i'm sure to be disappointed...

06/23/03-01:50:40 PM Monday -- tinsel
the bitter taste of happiness in my mouth as i cry myself to sleep again alone as the light fades from the sky nothing can heal this nothing can make this fun everything changes i stay the same broken no hope for happiness no hope for anything except the end. it wasn't a good weekend.

06/21/03-12:07:44 AM Saturday -- loss
pictures. some pictures of ratsika being cute along with daemon. mmmm, lunch. also, pictures of tinsmith playing at potomac celtic festival. finally, a handfull of happiness

06/17/03-12:12:01 PM Tuesday -- morbid obscenity
haven't heard from nora in quite awhile, guess she's occupied with her new boy. talked to the medication pshrink yesterday, i'm now on efexor...he asked me if perhaps part of me liked these complicated relationships I always end up in, because it certainly does seem like I pursue them. I tend to think that it's because I pursue complicated people, but I guess the result is the same--a big fucking mess.

one of the things we discussed, with no real resolution, is my inability to find happiness (or even contentment) from everyday life. it's fairly impossible to solve the depression stuff if I can't relearn that stuff...and of course, that's one of the main reasons I just want to bail.

06/16/03-03:22:23 PM Monday -- touching the dirt
i got to see Mary O. this weekend at the potomac celtic festival and she of course pointed my brain in directions that are obvious but I've been refusing to think about. she quietly pointed out that I'd been distancing myself from all my friends for the past year and other such insights that I have been trying to make excuses about for all this time. Mary O. rules.

06/16/03-08:40:45 AM Monday -- transmetropolitan
All fled -- all done, so lift me on the pyre;
The feast is over, and the lamps expire.
-- suicide note, Robert E. Howard, writer, d. June 11, 1936
lifted from die puny humans

(and, no, i'm not killing myself today)

06/15/03-12:32:07 AM Sunday -- the devil inside
there is nothing left that i look forward to. i dread another 30-40 years of this, waking up, having to live each day, going to bed at night and then waking up again. each day i'm forcing myself to spend time with people, trying not to think, trying to avoid the reality that this is my life, this is all that there is. there isn't going to be anything else. i've come to wish i believed in god or some kind of spiritual aspect to the world, because then i could pray for death or at least the courage to buy a gun. instead i just let myself grind down day by day, with no hope, no happiness, nothing. i would make a good slave.

06/13/03-12:47:28 PM Friday -- snot
portrait of the artist as a young man. full size and really small sizes for your viewing pleasure as well.

06/12/03-12:16:23 PM Thursday -- boats with sails
oops. slept until about 10:30a this morning. i think i'm going to stop taking the meds that make me so sleepy--I was out until midnight last night hanging with VA and Jill, but this sleepy crap is getting out of control. i see my doctor on tuesday, he said he had an idea about some different meds...this week has been surprisingly good. ceit is off in Philadelphia doing training for work, so I asked Jill if she would come down and hang out, since I haven't been doing so well alone lately. She's been splitting her time between my house and VA's. It's been very good to have someone around, especially someone as infectiously energetic as Jill.

06/11/03-11:45:46 AM Wednesday -- love to
hate

06/10/03-04:28:57 PM Tuesday -- stones named truth
tired. went with jill up to PA yesterday evening to pick up some stuff and the borrowed car we were using died when we were up there. didn't get home until late-late. been rather busy lately, which i guess is good, as it gives me less time to think...

06/09/03-12:24:31 PM Monday -- secrets and truths
got back from PA yesterday, spent the weekend up there for the wedding of some of VA's friends. wedding was rather ok as such things go, hung out mostly with dalhradians, most of whom I haven't seen much of over the past several years. got to spend a lot of time with jill, which was good...perhaps the best bit was going out to eat with jill, VA and pooky yesterday evening.

06/05/03-11:53:32 AM Thursday -- i've got a bike, you can ride it if you like
i'm jealous

06/04/03-09:07:31 PM Wednesday -- fontify attributes
swine unit would be a great name for a band.